No Shoes, No Bra, No Problem!

I never thought I’d leave church with no underwear and no bra. But there they were. Soaking wet on the passenger seat. Don’t worry...I was fully clothed. So how did I get here? Let me start from the beginning...

It was day 7 of chemo. My sister came with me this time, I was gallivanting through the halls socializing with all the nurses, maybe talking their ears off 😁. I remember the one nurse asking me how I felt, I said just tired. She said jokingly if this is you tired, I don’t want to see you with energy!

I plopped myself down in the chair and my sister sat next to me. They hooked me up to my chemo, this was the 7th time I had received this drug. I began chatting with a nurse named Terry, she has a daughter named Charlotte who they call Charlie and she was born a week after our Charlie! So needless to say, we have a lot in common. As we were talking I felt my chest tighten, it was a feeling I truly can’t describe and will never forget. But I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks my whole life- so I wrote it off as that and kept talking.

UNTIL it rose to my face, I felt it beginning to fill up like a balloon and I was bright red. I quickly interrupted and said “something is wrong! I can’t breath!” My face felt so tight and hot, i ripped my wig off. The nurses sprung into action. My sister got out of the way, within seconds 10 + nurses and a doctor were in front of me monitoring my vitals. One nurse threw oxygen on me while Terry, without thinking, turned around and jammed me with an epipen- Ahhhh I could breath again. It worked right away. I shook like a leaf because of the adrenaline, but I could breath!!!

I waited and was monitored for a half hour. I couldn’t continue with chemo that day. Why would this happen? I’ve had this treatment 6 times and was fine!! I got the call from my oncologist later that day, “it is very, very rare for someone to have an allergic reaction to this specific drug. We will try you on a different brand tomorrow.” My immediate thoughts were....of course it’s rare, of course it would happen to me!

The next day Alex took me to chemo, he was upset he wasn’t there yesterday but was grateful my sister was. I was filled with anxiety... I did NOT want that to happen again. They put me right across from the nurses station so they could all keep an eye on me. They started me with an IV of benedryl that would normally knock someone out... but I was too anxious to fall asleep. The pharmacist came and told me I was most likely reacting to the plant based oil the other brand of drug was made in. The drug they would give me now was the same drug, but without the plant based oil. Chemo began. They told me once I made it to 15 minutes they would know I was good.

15 minutes felt like 15 hours! The nurses kept talking to me about the Eagles, the party they went to over the weekend... I said, “ I know what you’re doing and it’s not gonna work, you’re trying to distract me but I’m too nervous”. They didn’t give up! They kept on telling their stories and showing me pictures on their iPhones. Before I knew it 15 mins was up. I had made it. Thank you Jesus!

I completed the last two days of chemo. I was nervous even the second day but I managed to fall asleep. I’m still nervous thinking about doing it 9 more times! Before all this I thought actually getting the chemo was the easy part! I know that probably sounds crazy but it’s true. I could go in, visit with whoever took me that day. Color, listen to worship music, read, nap. But now, now I have to worry. Well guess what?! I’m deciding in this moment I won’t worry, I’m giving it to God! I won’t let fear win!!

Ok getting back on track. The past two weeks have been really difficult. I came down with another virus, fever, lost my voice, got a blood clot, had chemo brain, and tons of anxiety. Basically it felt like I had an extreme hang over... but without any of the fun!

Saturday night Alex and I got a sitter and we went out to a couples dinner with my long time friends from high school. I was looking forward to getting out. Fear had been consuming me and I just wanted to be social and have a fun night. The restaurant was super crowded. The table was in the middle and it was pretty hard to hear and even see all of my friends. About an hour in I began having anxiety, it felt like my heart was racing and my chest was tight. I would usually be able to snap myself out of it and know it was just anxiety, but I was having PTSD from my allergic reaction. I thought, “if that could happen then, maybe something is wrong with me now”. I tried to go to the bathroom and tell my friends what was going on. I tried to go outside. Nothing was helping.

I was hot, so hot. My wig made it worse, I was sweating underneath it and itchy. I felt like an imposter. Here we all are sitting at the table trying to enjoy a nice night out and I was consumed with anxiety and fear. My husband was having a conversation “6 years from now when Charlie...” that’s all I heard. My only thought was “will I be here for that?”. With tears running down my face, I told Alex and my friends I had to go. They understood and were amazing as always.

I just wanted to run to the car, rip my wig off and breathe, I just wanted to get home to my baby girl, I just wanted to cry. Well, I did all of those things. After we put Charlie to bed I crashed hard. The anxiety and fear is exhausting.

I woke up Sunday morning and still had anxiety. My friend had asked me to check out a church with her and i planned to go, but now I just wanted to throw the covers over my head and hide in bed all day. With a little encouragement from Alex and my friend, I pushed myself to go. I knew it was what I needed to do. Not going would only feed the anxiety.

I arrived at the church, it was different than I was used to and smaller then I expected but everyone was so welcoming. All morning I was on the verge of tears. I was filled with fear and all I could think about was Charlie not having a mom. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. I cried through the entire worship time. I think I went through a whole box of tissues. Here I was in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know, bawling, but I couldn’t hold it back. It was tears of fear and hopelessness.

The sermon was about, get ready for it... HEALING. The pastor put the verse up on the screen, it was Matthew 10:1 “Jesus called his 12 disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out impure spirit and to heal every disease and sickness”.

I knew right away I was meant to be there. After the service I was prayed over by strangers, who seemed to care about me as if I were family. During the sermon the pastor mentioned there was a baptism after church. It had been on my heart to be baptized, but I felt overwhelmed about going about it. I wasn’t an official member of a church and I wasn’t sure if I would be judged for that or “allowed” to get baptized unless I was. I thought to myself, I wish I could get baptized today. Then the pastor said, “if you want to be baptized today let us know, we brought extra towels and clothes”. I turned to my friend and I said I’m getting baptized today.

And so I did! For some reason I didn’t think about the fact that I would be in front of an entire church filled with people I didn’t know, normally this would have given me anxiety, but I felt calm. I removed my cap... and there I was, bald in front of 100 + strangers. What a vulnerable moment. Someone came up to me after I was baptized and said ” I kept hearing joy, joy would protect you”. What she didn’t know was, I always call Charlie my joy, and I KNOW God gave her to me to let me know I have a future!

So I’m learning to live spontaneously. I’m learning to push through fear and be vulnerable. And most importantly, I’m learning that God still heals.