There’s No Place Like Home

It’s mid August! I can’t believe we are finally here! I truly had to take it one day at a time to make it this long out here and not go home. Its all worth it. My next pet scan is August 22. We meet with the doctor August 23 and then Lord willing go home August 26.

I remember the first week we got here I was lying in bed, withering in pain, and all I heard were bells. So many bells! There is a school right in our back yard and it was the last week of school. I watched as the kids competed in field day, who doesn’t love field day! Maybe a cancer patient not able to get out of bed stuck listening to the laughter and all of the bells 🔔 🤣 Not able to join in on the fun. Let’s just say I was happy when the last bell rang on the last day of school.

I can only take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Each day is different levels of energy or pain. True to my style when I feel good I do a lot... perhaps too much some may say 🧐🤪

Then I crash and burn. My mom will probably tell you that’s been my whole life. But it’s also what makes me a fighter and what makes this battle already won. Plus we know and believe God’s promise that He has and will heal me.

I’ve been angry lately, and some scary thoughts have been sneaking back in but I am choosing to let them go. I can’t give any energy to the disease. Tuesday was my second to last chemo and I really struggled, which led to the tears and fear. I’ve been having a little pain as well which always scares me. But again, it’s most likely the side effects of everything I’m doing. So we take a step back, pray, and we strip the disease of it’s power. 🙏🏼🙌🏼💪🏼

Now I’m back to getting my mind, heart and thoughts right. There is no room

for doubt. I can acknowledge the emotions and thoughts, but then I am letting them go and moving forward with the belief, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am healed and living a long, beautiful life with my beautiful husband and daughter! Amen! Thank you for more Lord!

It’s been so nice to let go of the numbers and just believe I am living and do whatever I need to do to win this battle. Thursday I have my first pet scan in a long time. Scanxiety is REAL! Then... home!!! I’m so excited and of course a little scared to go back to the numbers/statistics world. I mostly scared for the MRI when I get home. I need to find my balance between the alternative and traditional roots. And of course at the core, at the foundation of it all, is God’s promise.

But.... whether I believe in Gods healing or not, (obviously I do 💯) I still have fears. My fears are all surrounded by Charlie. I’m afraid of leaving her, no one else but me can raise my daughter!!! That is my honor and my job and my blessing. I have waited my whole lifefor her. I am fearful that Charlie won’t attach to me as well as she should because I’m not around as much as her dad and my parents. But then I remind myself I would be at work and so would Alex, this is just my full time job now. Fighting and devoting my energy to healing is my way of being the best mom to Charlie that I can be right now so that when she is old enough to know and remember- she has a healthy mama! And she loves her mama.

Some days she only wants me. I come home and make myself stay up on the couch so I can be with her until she goes to bed. Lately it’s been catching up to me and I realized I’m helping her by helping myself. She won’t remember this. She’ll remember 4 years from now when I can be there with her healthy and healed!

This is the first week the doctor let me go down to 3 days at the clinic. I give myself injections at home on the other days. Last night Alex, Charlie, and I had a sleepover at my high school besties place in LA. It was so fun and felt normal. I had a medium level of energy yesterday. So I just have to ask myself with each activity or invite ...is this worth the energy? The answer last night was yes! It actually energized me to be there. I’m learning when to push myself and when to rest.

That has always been my battle... The ongoing, internal, people pleasing struggle that manyof us face. Cancer or no cancer. Sadly it took cancer to get me to finally face it and dare I say conquer it? I’m getting pretty close to conquering it after a year of living with the diagnosis. I mean I actually have a part of me that has just let go completely of what others think. It is so freeing.

At first it was only because I was in so much pain I didn’t have the energy to care. Now we are finding a balance between going out and having fun with our little family (Charlie loves being with other kids), and giving myself time to rest and recover.

Coming home is going to completely change the game, I think in the best way possible. I will actually have a life to live. I will actually have a quality of life! I will be able to drive, which I’ve painfully learned in the past 3 months is a true pathway to freedom. I will have my people back, my community. Our house, our neighborhood, our dogs. Our family. These last 3 months showed me how important community really is. The support and encouragement really makes all the difference. We are so ready to go home. For the first time in 3 months I will be able to live for more than just waking up and going to the clinic for IVs. I can be a mama to my almost one year old!

It’s going to be a whole new life for Charlie, Alex and I. It’s going to be a whole new house now that Charlie can crawl and explore. She will remeet her dogs. We know she’s such an animal lover after her recent encounters with 2 dogs. She has no fear when it comes to animals, which I love and we know she gets from both of us. It would be pretty impossible for her not to love animals with two animal obsessed parents 😍

So... needless to say. If you get anything from this blog it’s that we are ready to go home! I’m ready to be a mama of a one year old! I’m ready to be a wife and homeowner again. I’m ready to garden and go pumpkin picking. I’m ready for fall, I’m ready for the east coast weather and terrain. I’m ready for play dates and mom dates. I’m ready for family and friends to make spontaneous house visits. I’m ready to snuggle our two beautiful, cuddly, old, loyal, loving dogs. They have never been away from us for this long. It is going to be a glorious reunion 🥰

Guess what? Monday morning I heard the bell ring, school is back in session, talk about full circle.... and that’s a wrap!

xoxo

Love, J