New York, New York

Today Alex, my dad and I went to Sloan Kettering in NYC for a second opinion. We’re driving back from the appointment as I write this. So I’m processing everything as I go. As much as this all sucks, it’s nice to be surrounded by two of my favorite men.

I probably come across sounding pretty strong when I talked about my journey so far, at least that’s what I’m told. But there are many moments where I cry- I cry because I’m disappointed, I cry because I’m scared, I cry because I’m angry. I feel robbed of the opportunity to focus on just being a new mom. I feel robbed of bonding time I miss with Charlie when I’m at one of my many doctor’s appointments or chemo. I find myself jealous of other moms who get to just BE a mom. My most fearful thought is not being here to watch Charlie grow up, it rips my heart into a million little pieces thinking about her not having a mom. In fact even as I type this I am tearing up. I don’t like to think about this or say it out loud, but I also think it’s important to be honest, even in my darkest hours.

Night times are hard, I am so blessed and have so much support, but at night when I lay my head on my pillow it’s just me and my thoughts. My brain tends to go back to the beginning. I go back to the day I found out it was cancer. It still feels like it’s not real, like they are talking about someone else. Sometimes the thoughts are so intense it sends me into a panic… So I pray. And I sing. And I dance. And I read bible verses that remind me that I am already healed in Jesus’ name! I try to always stay in those thoughts, but it’s easier said than done…after all I am only human.

Today was one of the days... where I felt overtaken by fear and sadness. The devil keeps trying to bring me down and take my hope away from knowing the truth- God’s got me. So we arrived in NY this afternoon and met with Dr. Riley, he is a doctor that only studies my mutation. Most of the information we went over I already knew. But he confirmed that I was on the right track treatment wise and was happy to see everything was shrinking.

I have one more round of chemo left, and I couldn’t be anymore excited because afterwards my immune system is weak and I catch every virus- my poor veins are pretty beaten up. I spent the day at the doctors yesterday because my arm is so swollen and so painful that I knew something was wrong. I found out I have a blood clot caused by the IV chemo and I have to give myself a daily shot for 3 months to help it dissolve. I can’t catch a break!

Well, Dr. Riley suggested I do three more rounds of chemo instead of just one. As much as I dread it, I said, “great, let’s do it! What’s 9 more days?” He laughed and said,” ha, yes, just 9 more days”. Was i minimizing the fact that it was a lot more to ask of my body? Maybe, but I’m also ready to fight. I want to be aggressive. I want to live a long life for my baby girl.

I really felt connected with the doctor, he was compassionate and warm and avoided any statistics at my request. They are really old school anyway and it wasn’t his style. With new medicine coming out all the time who can say what the future holds. And yet... I couldn’t get to the car fast enough when we left. As we walked down the busy streets of New York City, where I watched everyone hustle past me in a hurry, I held in tears. Did these people know how lucky they had it? All they had to worry about was work or going home to their families, while I was busy wondering if I would be alive in another year.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not true, I don’t know what they are all really going though. I know every person has their own struggle. But this was the spiral my brain started to take me down. I started to slowly breathe in and out. I made it to the car, where I shut the door and immediately broke down.

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” My dad and Alex asked, looking surprised. “I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave my baby girl”. They looked at me like I was crazy. “Were we listening to the same conversation?” They said.

Every time I go and sit with the oncologists it’s hard for me. It’s like I have to admit to myself that this is real- I don’t know what I expect for them to say. Maybe I want them to say, it was all a big mistake, you don’t have cancer”. Maybe I only hear the negative. What I heard today was “this type of cancer never goes away, and it always wants to come back.”

What Alex and my dad told me they heard was “you’re on the right track. The treatment is working. It’s the most studied lung cancer to date and they are working on new treatments as we speak.” I’m so glad I bring them to my appointments because I clearly hear and see things through a different lens.

So... we will do 3 more rounds of chemo (I say we because I know I’m not alone) and I will continue to take my chemo pill daily. Once I’m done I will have Pet scans and MRIs every 3 months to monitor everything. And I pray and believe that I am healed. I know the doctor said “this type of cancer doesn’t go away, this type of cancer likes to comes back”. But I also know God is greater than any cancer, any diagnosis, and any doctor. I believe that He is my healer. So while I have my moments of fear, that is important to acknowledge, I will not get stuck in it, i will not live there. I will get back on track and live in the knowledge of His word that Jesus has already healed me.

“Oh Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and You healed me” ~ Psalm 30:2