First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby and...cancer?

First time blogger here. I never thought I would write a blog, I feel like such a millennial. I guess I never thought I had anything worth sharing, but now that couldn't be further from the truth. Journaling your thoughts for others to read is scary and vulnerable, at least it used to be. Now that is the last thing that scares me. I think this will be therapeutic for me to get all the thoughts out of my chaotic chemo brain, and yes chemo brain is a real thing! So, here goes nothing :)

Anxiety, panic attacks, infertility- I thought these were my life struggles. It took me 34 years to finally meet my prince charming (my husband, Alex, will love this line). I prayed my whole life for God to bring me my husband. I won't lie, I am not the most patient person you have ever met...and yet that feels like my life theme- waiting. I did the whole online dating thing, oh man i could literally write a book just about that! hah! Boy do I have some stories!! But that will be for another time :) Well my patience, perseverance and plenty of bad dates finally paid off- I met Alex, thanks to good ol' match.com (you're welcome for the plug). 5 months later we were engaged, when you know, you know!

1year- thats how long it took us to get pregnant. In the grand scheme of things its really not that long, but remember how i have that problem with patience? When i want something, i want it now. Once again, God laughed and said- you will learn to wait. I was persistent, and after 6 months of fertitlity treatment and IVF, I found out i was pregnant with our now 4 month old baby girl Charlotte. She was the strongest of 12 embryos, a survivor....like her mama. I love that. I was elated....and sick, so sick. 9 months of throwing up, it was a very difficult pregnancy. I thought i was just being a baby, i thought i was a wimp! Turns out i was a f%@king rock star! I carried and delivered a beautiful and healthy baby girl...with stage 4 cancer. From the very start she was and is my angel baby, my gift from God. She is God's promise to me that i have a future, because there is no way I am leaving my baby girl.

2018 was a bitter sweet year. August 29, 2018- the best day of my life when Charlotte Adriana was born. October 5, 2018- the worst day of my life when, after 5 excruciating days hospitalized away from my baby girl , i was told "you have stage 4 lung cancer". The highest high and the lowest low. Ok. I will fight then, and i will win.

Trust me, its been a battle. Even as I sit here and type I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by my brain, its slower then I'm used to and my thoughts are harder to express thanks to the chemo. But i know it will get better and i know its all worth it to be here in the long run.

I could go on and on but I will save the details of my diagnosis for another post. This feels like a good place to wrap up my first blog. So to summarize...

34 years- that's how long it took me to meet my husband.

1 year- is how long it took me to get pregnant

9 months- of sickness was all worth it to bring me to the

24 hours of labor where i finally got to meet my beautiful baby, Charlie girl.

6 words...that's all it took for it to all come crashing down.

1 promise- of God's healing is all i needed to dust myself off and proclaim "I am kicking cancers ass and I WILL LIVE". By His stripes I am already healed. Hope. His word gives me hope.

And so begins my cancer confessions, I hope you'll join me as i share with you my crazy beautiful journey ahead.

xo,

Janelle #mama #fighter #survivor