A twist in the plot

I took my miracle pill daily for 3 weeks and my cough magically went away! It was the first time in so long I could breathe without pain. But, it wasn’t long before I started to feel pain in my stomach area. I wasn’t sure how to describe it to my oncologist other than feeling like I was “punched in my stomach”. Could it be a side effect of the Tagrisso (the chemo pill)? I was given the number to my oncologist’s pharmacist, Natalie. Poor Natalie. Unbeknownst to her she would quickly become my new best friend : ) She is uber smart and on top of it super sweet, so I began to call her on a daily basis just to hear her voice because it was comforting. She wasn’t sure of the stomach pain as a side effect of the tagrisso, but we decided we would keep an eye on it.

My second CAT scan arrived and I nervously waited for the results. 1 hour, 2, 3, 8, and before we knew it, it had been 2 days. So I called my oncologist and left….many messages. Once again, the waiting is still the hardest part for me. She finally called and told us the lung mass had shrunk about 25%, what amazing news! But why was I waiting for the other shoe to drop?!

“Unfortunately the liver spots have stayed the same, if not gotten a mm bigger”. My heart sunk, once again the fear coursed through my body and I felt like I was sinking. She declared we would be aggressive and have a liver biopsy. This is why I love her, at 36 years old I have no choice but to be aggressive- and she is always the first to agree with that. So the liver biopsy was scheduled for the day after thanksgiving. Happy F*ing thanksgiving to me.

Thanksgiving came, my husband gave me a pep talk, “we won’t let this cancer or the biopsy steal our first thanksgiving from us and our baby girl”. Yes!! I declared, F yeah! But inside I was crippled with pain and anxiety. The pain was so bad that I had no appetite. The pain was so bad, that it was difficult to hold my baby girl. I sobbed many times as I tried to do simple tasks, like feed her a bottle or change her diaper. I beat myself up for not being able to do the simple tasks a mom “should” do. Gotta be careful with those “shoulds”, like they say, you don’t want to “should” all over yourself. And it makes sense to me now. The “I should” statements fill you with guilt and shame when you don’t measure up to a standard that is usually ridiculous to begin with! But really... all I wanted to do was be able to hold my baby without any pain.

I had drastically changed my diet and started juicing. My parents accommodated this at thanksgiving with many healthy options. I used this as an excuse to explain to them and myself why I wasn’t eating very much. But the truth was, I felt so much pain and was so sick that I had very little appetite. I don’t think I even realized this at the time. The closer the day came to an end, the more anxiety I had.

I woke up bright and early the next morning and went with my dad and husband to Philly to get my liver biopsy. To be honest, it was the worst procedure I have gotten to this day. The nurses wheeled me into a room, stuck me with an IV and waited for the doctors to arrive. They took forever. The one doctors name was Dr. Booty- with a name like that he had to be funny, right? Wrong.

When the doctors finally graced us with their presence, they gave me local anesthetic around my liver. I remember trying to crack a couple jokes to break the ice and take the edge off my anxiety “am i getting a Black Friday deal on this? Buy one get one free?” Blank stares. I guess he didn’t think i was very funny.

I’m usually pretty strong, but at this point I began crying. I cried because I was in so much pain from my liver, I cried because I was away from my baby girl, and I cried because I felt everything from the large needle including the moment they pierced through my muscle. How am I awake for this procedure?! They quickly ejected the needle and gave me more local anesthetic. They then continued to stick my liver 3 times to get a sample to biopsy. I am not kidding you when I say it was and still is the worst procedure I have gotten so far. I mean, I wouldn’t say it was as bad as child birth, but I also didn’t get a fun prize at the end 👶🏻

The next day, my oncologist called with the results. “A rare phenomenon” were the words she used to describe the non-small cell lung cancer that mutated to small cell lung cancer in my liver. OF COURSE! OF COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME!

Prior to this I had prayed, I prayed that the mutation in the liver was the same in the lung. And the Lord had told me it was the same, I know this sounds crazy, and before this I had never had this close of a relationship with God. But that is what I had heard loud and clear. I heard “It is the same mutation, you will be ok, I will heal you.” So how is it different?! The news crushed me. Over the phone the doctor told me I would have to begin chemo soon and that I would, in fact, lose my hair. I started to sob thinking about having to shave my head. I pulled myself together, turned to Alex, and said “I will have to get a kick ass wig”. He smiled, as if to say, “That’s my girl”.

I started chemo the next day. I wasn’t kidding when I said I have a bad ass doctor who isn’t scared to be aggressive. And she has a bad ass patient who isn’t afraid to rise to the occasion. And so I did.

During my first chemo session Dr. Cuinci came in to visit me, she said she presented my case to the tumor board and that they all agreed we should be the most aggressive with chemo and half way through attack the spot in my brain with gamma knife radiation. After all, the MRI showed the small spot in my brain had shrunk a mm, thanks to the tagrisso crossing the blood brain barrier. But we all agreed we wouldn’t mess around with the brain- lets zap that son of a b%@*h.

She once again explained the rare phenomenon in the liver and on her way out she said, “oh and by the way, it’s the same mutation in the liver as it is in the lung”. What?! I felt like God was winking at me as if to say, “remember, I’ve got this” 😉

Xo,

Janelle